This week I have been hit with small moments of depression. Any amount of depression, no matter how small, is not enjoyable. It hits me at weird times like when I’m driving to the store or a memory pops into my head. I can feel myself shutting down. I want so badly to let the darkness take over and just lay in a bed wallowing. That is exactly what Satan wants. He wants me to grab onto those dark feelings and fall into the pit of hopelessness.
Only by the grace of God am I able to pull myself out of that pit and shake off the darkness and function for my family.
Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
I am reminded pretty regularly how different we all are. How our mountains look extremely different from someone else’s and our valleys, or pits, can look different as well. But that doesn’t make my suffering or your suffering any less than that of someone else.
As a stay at home mom I tend to feel disconnected from the outside world. It could be days before I have a conversation with an actual adult other than my husband. I feel that it’s been hard to connect with anyone on a personal level because my children constantly interrupt. Even though most people don’t mind the interruption when we are together-I mind. I have that constant noise in my head and sometimes, just sometimes, I need an hour with a friend to talk about nothing or sit quietly with a cup of coffee.
Gracious, even now I am sitting on the floor next to my youngest in a toy box playing. He is occupied for a few minutes but who knows how long that will last. I am constantly being pulled at and whined at and it’s hard. It is really hard. It’s depressingly hard. I love my children. A lot. But parenting 24/7 is HARD.
At church I long to sit and worship and listen undisturbed. While my oldest is in the nursery his brother is in a transitional phase. He can’t sit still in church anymore but he doesn’t want to be anywhere without mama. Even if others hold him he cries for mama. So, I end up in the nursery with him. I miss the singing. I miss the message. I miss the fellowship with adults. I honestly feel forgotten.
I recently went on a girls trip. This was so special. Even though my kids were there I was able to chat with other women and get a bit of normalcy. We laughed and vented and they loved on my kids as if they were their own. That trip was so special to me and I hope that we can do it again. It made me realize how much I need to have close relationships with women around me.
This week I decided to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while. I set up a bible study. It’s open to anyone but mostly moms. It will be at my home. We have toys and kids are welcome. In reality I know a bible study is not likely to happen but I am hoping that connection with other moms will happen. That friendships will form and that our kids will burn energy. I have wanted to be a part of a moms group and kept waiting for someone to start one. Then God said…you start it. Pushing my fear and all my doubts aside I will do this and I will do it because I know there are others similarly going through this as I am. We need this connection. We can’t go through motherhood alone.
Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
I pray that this group will succeed and that it won’t be superficial but raw. I hope that we will cultivate a safe space to talk and connect on a deep level. I laughingly pray that our kids will behave and form friendships too.
Moms! We need this! I need this.
If you feel alone or depressed please talk to someone. If that person doesn’t take you seriously it is not you it’s them. Seek help. I suffered much longer than I needed to before I sought help.
I’m a world full of instant connection on social media, in the palms of our hands, we aren’t connecting on a personal or spiritual level. Let’s get back to that.