The other day I received some information. Not bad information, it was actually really good news. The way that I received it was what tore me apart. Someone had told someone who told someone who then told me assuming, because of my relationship with the person, I had known for a while. That was not the case at all. I had felt like I had dropped to the bottom of the food chain. I was unimportant. I was insignificant to the level of finding out on social media, with the rest of the world, the really great news of a very dear friend.
Honestly, I was destroyed. My heart felt shattered. I cried so hard I was throwing up. I asked myself and my husband repeatedly: “what did I do to deserve this?”.
In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27
The answer did not come quickly but, Satan, evil as he is, saw a weak spot in a weak moment and he began to chip away with his claws everything that he could. He focused on my already weak spots of inadequacy and doubt, he told me that I wasn’t worth anything, that people don’t really care. When I sought sympathy I was met with more self loathing.
I was seeking help from the wrong source.
Simple as that.
After hours of sobbing. After a sleepless night. After venting to family. After more sobbing. I realized, this isn’t about me. This is getting out of control. This is Satan lying to me. God would not let this happen to me without providing a purpose.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2
So, around 9:00 pm, driving back from Grand Rapids I had the moment. THE MOMENT that I needed to have with God. With my sleeping toddler in the back seat I just said “take this burden and help me to overcome this. This has gotten out of control and I’m drowning when You, God, have been handing me the life saver all along while I have been pushing it away with my selfish, self pity.”
In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. Psalm 18:6
And just like that…I was free.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. Revelation 3:8